*teeters on the edge of her chair for a long while*
"APART...
Such a simple concept. So concrete. So easy to represent on charts and diagrams with dots and pushpins either in or out. Yet real life is not dots. Some of us APPEAR to be in, but we are out. And that is where we want to be. (where I want to be)
Not just want, but need, the way tuna need the sea."
*brings her knees to her chin as she sits*
"Simple: an orientation not just a choice. A fact. We are loners. Which means we are at our best when least in company.
We do not require company, quite the opposite: in varying degrees, it bores us, drains us, makes our eyes glaze over. Overcomes us like a steamroller. Of course, the rest of the world doesn't understand?"
*pauses, reads her book*
"Someone says to you,’ let’s have lunch.' You clench. You sinews leap within you angling for escape. What others thrive, what they take for granted, the contact and confraternity and sharing that gives them strength leaves us empty. After what others would call a fun day out together, we feel as if we have been at the Red Cross, donating blood."
"This is not about hate. I am not angry, nor is this about being afriad....Do birds hate lips? Do Fijians hate snowplows? Being a loner is not about hate, but need.
'We need what others dread, we dread what others need.' "
*rubs her arm continuously*
"This way to be, the way we are, gets us into trouble. We are a minority, the community that is anticommunity. The culture that will not on principle join hands. Remote on principle from one another- this is our charter and we would not have it any other way - each of us swims alone through a sea of social types.Talkers.Lunchers. Touchers.Nonloners. The world at Large.The Mob.
TheMob thinks we are maladjusted. Of course we are adjusted just fine,thank you for wasting your time but not to their frequency. They take it personally. They take offense. Feel hurt. Get angry. They do not blame owls for coming out at night, yet they blame us for as we are. Because it involves them, or at least they believe it does, they assemble troops and call us names...
Crazy. Cold. Stuck-up. Standoffish. Aloof. Afraid. Lacking in social skills. Bizarre. Unable to connect. Incapable of love. Freaks. Geeks. Sad. Lonely. Selfish. Secretive. Ungrateful. Unfriendly.....Serial Killers."
That's all that will be said for now. I'm prolly going to get verbally lashed at, but I don't mind really. The book might be bad for me reconnecting me to this manner of thought, but I feel alright...hmmm
*teeters on the edge of her chair again*
I don't know if I'm better off alone, on my own, but there are still those I care for and one I'll always keep in mind and heart no matter what though it may not be mutual.
All I want is him to be content or happy if you will and I want more than anything to make him proud.
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